Work will be….interesting from now on :| boo.
Do you ever have those nights when you just have so many thoughts running across your mind, and so many emotions coursing through your body that you just have no idea how to feel about anything in your life? I just want to talk to someone till I’m blue in the face and my eyes are red and raw from crying. I want to just shout whatever the fuck I feel at the top of my lungs.
I really want to go the Fall Out Boy arena tour show that’s coming to my area, but I don’t have anyone to go with and its a longish drive to make on ones own( I think I’ve never been to the area) and on top of that I’m already going to the June 8th show around here in Dallas. GAH, I can’t decided.
I dislike the nights where I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. I dislike how I look, how I feel. How my clothes look on me. It makes me sad that I have such terrible body image issues.
I know I should love myself just the way I am, but it is so hard to do when I you have images of stick thin women pasted everywhere, being labeled as “the perfect woman” “beautiful women” ect, and any women who isn’t that way is automatically seen as ugly and unattractive and will be ridiculed for it.
It seems the only way to be seen as attractive, I have to look emaciated, have large fake breasts, and perfect skin. That makes me feel incredibly undervalued,self conscience, and feel unhappy with how I look because I am none of that.
How can anyone love me, when I cannot love myself..
When people ask me what I want to do with my life, I always lie, or tell them one of the childhood dreams I had. It’s not because I don’t have an idea, I do, I just always feel that people will look at me and have that whole “really, that’s the best you can come up with” expression and attitude. I mean yes, I’m going to school and currently have a job. But that doesn’t mean thats all I want my life to be. I dunno. People just don’t seem to really accept my idea very well, which is dumb.
This month(Saturday to be exact) is a rather important month for me. It marks ten months without me cutting myself, or attempting suicide again. Its hard to explain how I feel, it’s not a feeling of extreme pride, or one of like, disrepair because I’m still alive. It’s more of, surprise really I suppose. I was in the rock bottom of my emotional and physical state that I honestly wished I would die everyday, in any way possible and that’d be that. I’ve been struggling with self-harm since I was twelve. I would go through small periods without cutting but, I would always end up right back to the blade. It was so easy for me to continue because of the emotional affect it had on me. And for the sheer fact that no one noticed. My parents, friends, teachers ect, never caught onto it. Unlike what people say, I didn’t do it “to be cool” or to be “emo and goth” I did it because in my mind(and I still think/feel the same way to this day) it honestly made me feel better. And no, it was not a happy, sadistic feeling that made me happy and giddily shoot rainbows out my ass. It made me feel whole and okay. I’m still battling the urge everyday to slip back into my old habits, to take my own life, but I find things to take me away from that part of myself and live for the things I want to do and have in my life. People are always surprised to discover that part of me, which honestly shocks me. I mean I have over twenty scars on my arm alone, more than half of them are very noticeable as well, and it’s obvious as to what they are and the cause of them…Sitting here writing this hard, because it reminds me of all the memories and the close calls and reminds me of the feelings that lead me to cutting and how it felt during and after, but as my friend said, “just talking, even if no one is around to listen, can help you” and in a way it does…It takes time and effort to drag yourself out of that deep abyss you’re in and right now, I’m sitting on the edge of the shallow end,with my toes just a tad in the water..I’m thankful that on that night, that person was there to save my life…I really am, it doesn’t mean that all the thoughts and urges are gone..just that they aren’t as potent as they once where.
My biggest dream/goal in my life before I die, is to visit the United Kingdom. I have been dreaming of going since I was a little kid and the hope has just gotten bigger as I grew up. There is just so amazing and beautiful places to visit. An abundance of historical sites, and the breathtaking countryside. I hope beyond hope I get the chance.
I had no idea it would be so difficult to get some Tennent’s Lager in the U.S. It seems that only a handful of states actually sell it and only a few places with in those states. Gah how disappointing.
I can honestly say I never want to have that kinda of doctor visit again! I know that it mandatory, but really. I don’t like stranger muckin about with my bodily parts.